heard and understood in a positive manner which motivates themselves to take constructive action to solve problems rather than exacerbate them. This rests on the assumption that reality is often ambiguous where both parties can be right. So here are four basic rules for effective communication in a marriage:

Express negative feelings in a constructive way
It is inevitable that one spouse is a hurt by another and the natural response is to express one’s disapproval as a means to "correct" the other partner. However, before talking one should consider the following:

• are you sure that you are interpreting the situation correctly
• has a wrong actually been committed
• is the wrong significant enough to express one’s disapproval
• will the disapproval result in constructive change or will it merely cause emotional distress that may if anything trigger a backlash

If these conditions are met then one should express negative feelings but in a constructive way by:

• avoid exaggerations such as using the words, "never" and "always" etc.
• give benefit of a doubt – do not ascribe motives to your spouse which may very well not exist
• don’t fault pick – see the good in what your spouse has done irrespective of the current misdemeanour
• don’t generalize – give specific examples

Acknowledge responsibility
Listen to negative feelings without retaliating and take responsibility for your actions. On the surface this seems very hard to do as it may invite more verbal attacks. However, acknowledging your spouse’s feelings can also be a potent way to deflate their anger as they feel that they are being listened to and their feelings vindicated. Acknowledging responsibility, however, has to be used with caution but if correctly applied can open the way for effective problem solving communication.

Look at the person’s merits
In a marriage it is vital to get into the habit of expressing positive emotions towards one’s spouse. Society tends to emphasise fault picking, criticism, complaints and rebuke. These negative aspects of marital communication have a highly corrosive effect, particularly if done incrementally every day. People remember pain and erect barriers to prevent repetitions of it. The result is that the more one complains then they less one is heard. Replace criticism with compliments and look for every opportunity to do this until it becomes habitual. Compliments, even if done awkwardly at first can act as a powerful lubricant for interaction that will turn increasingly positive. Reserve complaints for more significant things and with the greater likelihood of being heard.

Accept compliments
This is mirror image of looking at your spouses merits. However, accepting compliments is vital to developing a reciprocal relationship between spouses whereby both express positive feelings about each other. Accepting compliments may be uncomfortable for some individuals, particularly if they have grown up incessantly criticised and therefore are suspicious of people’s motives when given praise. However, being recognised for one’s merits and having your spouse identify positive attributes in you which you didn’t know even existed is a powerful bonding tool. It not only makes one feel appreciated but also creates a positive atmosphere. This has the potential remove past hurts and short-circuit seemingly endless cycles of arguments. The resulting trust and mutual respect will provide the foundation for more permanent bonding.

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